Revision for the Soul

Journeying to someplace exotic and unfamiliar to you is like gaining hundreds of new experiences and vibes that soak into our memories and leave us feeling greater than we once were before.

I feel sort of trapped in by the typical, small suburban town I live in sometimes. If I do one thing wrong or leave a bad impression on someone I can feel like my life is over and it’s as if I can never start again.

So I do the one thing that never fails to invigorate me, I travel. Anywhere, a new state, a town I’ve never been to before, even a grocery store I’ve never even stepped foot in before. These encounters with new places reassure me that it will NEVER be too late to have a fresh slate and begin again.

When I’m on my way to a new place I do something really creepy. I look at other people in their cars, just a glance, and then I guess how old they are, what their story is, what they do for work… And it’s almost impossible to accurately guess unless they have a collection of expressive bumper stickers glued to the back of their car. I realize that the people I see driving  or wandering around have no idea who I am or what I do either, and this unawareness is what makes me wake up in the morning.

Sometimes when I’m at Starbucks and the barista asks me what my name is I make up a totally different name and commit to it just for the thrill of starting over. My best friend and I sometimes joke about how we want to drive 8 hours away and and pretend to be fraternal twins with weird hair, and the great thing about that is that we can.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and you don’t know where to go, remember that you don’t need a destination, you just need a reason. Reinvention is the shedding of the old and the welcoming of the new.

A Conversation with a Doorknob

I spend so much time scrunched up inside of my room staring at the wall and pretending that I know what’s going on in my life. I can get so introverted during these periods that I can imagine an entire world made out of balloons or come up with a fancy new letter of the alphabet that only I’m allowed to use. I like to pretend that these fantasies can save me from the perils of everyday existence.

Occasionally my thoughts aren’t that positive though, and my mind gets captured into a downward spiral of negative thinking. “I suck at everything. I’ll never like myself.”

It’s so easy to get consumed by darkness.

“Open me! Free yourself!” is what I can imagine hearing my doorknob  earnestly yell at me during these times when I’ve completely succumbed into the chaotic abyss of my mind.

And I really should open that door and say goodbye to the comfort of my room, and I know that I have to in order to move on and climb out of the dark and ENDLESS cave of anxiousness and sadness that we all have in our heads and FINALLY feel the radiant beams of light on my very own flesh, but I don’t.

I sit and wallow in my own doubts and insecurities and isolate myself. It’s like I voluntarily live in Antarctica sometimes.

And meanwhile my doorknob is losing hope of me ever getting up and turning it, and I’m sinking further and further into oblivion.

And then, when I’m about to plunge off the edge, I look up and ask “Why am I trapped in here?”

And the doorknob says, “you’re not trapped, you can get up and open the door at any time.”

And then it clicks. The light bulbs illuminate, the crayons start to color, my eyes open and I realize something. I realize that I spend ALL this time thinking that I can’t get out of a negative situation or mindset that whenever I’m given a chance to fix it, I make believe that it didn’t happen and I continue on with my misery.

Because it’s easier to give up and waste away than to persevere and win.

So I stand up and walk up to what I’ve been avoiding for so long and I stare at the doorknob and say “you think I can do this?” and it responds “only if you believe in yourself.”

I believe in myself. I really do.

I steadily turn the doorknob to the right, indulge in a moment of hesitation, pull the door back, and there it is, my light.

 

Entering the Jungle

Even though I’m currently engulfed in the warmness of fresh sheets and snuggles of my attention loving dog, my mind can’t help but feel like I’m standing on the outskirts of an unknown jungle that is filled to the brim with nerve-racking uncertainties and beautiful discoveries. 

This unexplored jungle is the year 2016, and today I begin my exploration.

There is no map for this adventure, just intuition and fearlessness.

Anything can spring out at me at any time, whether it’s an enchanting waterfall or a swarm of death-dealing snakes. 

I’ll have to climb vines that can break at any given minute, and I’ll have to take bold risks to escape potential danger.

 I might have to put all of my faith into crossing a swinging rope bridge in the hopes of gratifying success; and if that bridge collapses, I’ll probably be covered in bloody gashes and interesting bruises for a while.

But I’ll recover with the help of some exceptionally friendly monkeys and gorillas. 

And most importantly, the jungle will tell me to keep moving on even if the odds are against me and I feel like I just can’t keep going anymore. 

Because if I don’t, I’ll probably get captured by menacing jungle beings that can trap me in the treacherous parts of the forest forever. 

This year is a brand new adventure for me, a fresh beginning. And I’m going to give it my very best shot.

 

My Last Day

Honestly, if you’re extremely passionate and committed to an idea like working for a certain job or getting into a specific school or dating someone, and for some reason you get rejected, just know that you’re phenomenal for even making an effort to be involved in something you care deeply about. And in the end it’s really their loss and you are WAY better off working for someone or being involved in something that can see through your past mistakes and accept you for the goldmine of potential that you are. I didn’t even realize it until this morning, but 2015 has made me realize my worth as a human being. And although it was a turbulent year, I’m so thrilled that it happened, and 2016 will be an uncharted jungle that I can eagerly explore with new eyes and perspectives.

This year I have to figure out what I’m doing after high school, and like every other 11th grader, I’m scared shit less. I don’t know what I truly want to do, and the world can be so intimidating and cruel sometimes.

I guess my goal in starting this blog is to try and document the struggle of being 16 and in high school and share it with others who can relate to or learn from my vast array of mistakes, and sometimes, my victories.

Let’s be honest, every one does that New Year’s resolution thing where they come up with something they want to do and then forget that it existed after a week, and this blog might turn into one of those.

BUTTT…………

I’m going to try and make this one work.

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