I spend so much time scrunched up inside of my room staring at the wall and pretending that I know what’s going on in my life. I can get so introverted during these periods that I can imagine an entire world made out of balloons or come up with a fancy new letter of the alphabet that only I’m allowed to use. I like to pretend that these fantasies can save me from the perils of everyday existence.
Occasionally my thoughts aren’t that positive though, and my mind gets captured into a downward spiral of negative thinking. “I suck at everything. I’ll never like myself.”
It’s so easy to get consumed by darkness.
“Open me! Free yourself!” is what I can imagine hearing my doorknob earnestly yell at me during these times when I’ve completely succumbed into the chaotic abyss of my mind.
And I really should open that door and say goodbye to the comfort of my room, and I know that I have to in order to move on and climb out of the dark and ENDLESS cave of anxiousness and sadness that we all have in our heads and FINALLY feel the radiant beams of light on my very own flesh, but I don’t.
I sit and wallow in my own doubts and insecurities and isolate myself. It’s like I voluntarily live in Antarctica sometimes.
And meanwhile my doorknob is losing hope of me ever getting up and turning it, and I’m sinking further and further into oblivion.
And then, when I’m about to plunge off the edge, I look up and ask “Why am I trapped in here?”
And the doorknob says, “you’re not trapped, you can get up and open the door at any time.”
And then it clicks. The light bulbs illuminate, the crayons start to color, my eyes open and I realize something. I realize that I spend ALL this time thinking that I can’t get out of a negative situation or mindset that whenever I’m given a chance to fix it, I make believe that it didn’t happen and I continue on with my misery.
Because it’s easier to give up and waste away than to persevere and win.
So I stand up and walk up to what I’ve been avoiding for so long and I stare at the doorknob and say “you think I can do this?” and it responds “only if you believe in yourself.”
I believe in myself. I really do.
I steadily turn the doorknob to the right, indulge in a moment of hesitation, pull the door back, and there it is, my light.
Helping Others is the Real Crystal Meth 